While I'm writing this, I'm still not sure if I'm gonna end up publishing this post or not.
I ended up reading my old blog posts and I kind of miss having someone to tell my pointless little things to and I miss taking photos so much. Since my latest blog post last year I'm pretty sure I haven't touched my camera not even once and it really saddens me and the solution to that is really simple - just take photos and post them here. Nothing fancy, just the way you used to do. I'm not gonna stress about having a blog, I'm just gonna try it out once again and see how I feel about it.
What has changed in my life since last August? Pretty much everything.
I'm not in a relationship anymore. I was together with B for almost 3 years and it wasn't that something awful happened, it was how it always is - I didn't feel like I was in the right place or with the right person anymore. We're still really good friends and I'm really grateful of that.
So, because of that, I live alone now. For the first time ever in my life. And guess what? It doesn't feel as bad as I thought it would. It feels pretty great to be able to cope with all this real adult stuff (it's not all fun, but it's important for me to know that I am able to keep myself alive and do the boring necessary stuff without losing my place or getting my electricity cut off). I love my little place so much and it all feels so right and it all feels like home. When I think of home I feel like I'm just in the right place I need to be in right now. Yeah, living in the city can be pretty expensive, but it's so worth it and I don't think I could find a better place for me at this price. I love it how I can go to a bar and walk home from there really easily. I love it that if I feel alone I can just step out of my place and I'm surrounded by people. I love it that it usually takes me around 10 minutes to leave my place, go grocery shopping and be back at my place. I just love everything about this and for the first time in a long time I am truly happy about where I am and where I am heading with my life. It's not all perfect, I still don't know how to manage my money (I have 12€ in my bank account and I'm getting paid next week) but I'm working on it and I'm gonna do great. Just watch me, I'm gonna make it.
I'm much more stable than I used to be and I'm not just saying that and feeling like a wreck 5 minutes later like I used to do. I'm actually doing pretty ok with my mental health. I'm off my medication for good and I don't feel depressed anymore. I do still feel sadness, and sometimes it feels like everything is falling down, but this time I know how to stand up and get on with it. It's ok to feel sad and it's ok that not everything is perfect, but it's important to know that those feelings are only temporary. Everything is up to you, you are the only one responsible for your own happiness. Don't depend on other people with that. If you are unhappy about your life, no one else is going to change that for you.
I used to be unhappy and that made me buy a lot of things I didn't need. Like for many, shopping was my therapy. I bought all this stupid shit, mostly clothing I was never gonna use, make up products that didn't suit my face at all and all this pointless crap from flea markets ''cause it's cheap, so why not''. And those things didn't make me happy for more than a few days. And after getting tired of it, I bought more stuff. It was never going to end, cause the world was full of things I didn't need, but did need. After getting my life in a better order, I noticed that I wasn't attached to materialistic things like I used to anymore. Yeah, buying a jacket that looks good on me still feels really great, but I don't need 10 of those jackets.
After breaking up with B I was in a really shitty place in my life, I thought that I could never handle being alone. And then Tinder came into my life. It was fun for a while, I'm not gonna deny it, but the way I was dating (I spent almost all my free time with new people and new dates) wasn't really healthy. And I didn't realise that shitty company is not gonna replace good company, it's only going to take me farther away from it. So if you break up, just be gentle with yourself and just take some time. And I'm not gonna say Tinder is all bad, after all those dates I actually met someone worth mentioning for. So I'm obviously grateful, I'm pretty sure we would've never met without Tinder, but if I had another chance, I wouldn't be so desperate and sad about being alone. Being alone can be really amazing, once you get used to it. I'm still not 100% used to it, but like I said, I'm getting there.